Monthly Archives: February 2012

Hunters in The Snow Reaction

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You Can Tell By the Way they Walk they Walk…

Well, they are not exactly ladies’ men. They don’t have trendy names like Jacob and Edward. They don’t have abs like Beckham or moves like Mick Jagger. Tub, Frank, and Kenny decide to go on a hunting trip. It is no surprise that their personalities are repulsive and rather than talking about how they feel about life they discuss “a bunch of hippie bullshit.” So why should anyone read this story? Well, if you do not mind losing a good 20 minutes of your life you can never get back this is a good tale. Long story short, Kenny gets frustrated with hunting. Kenny starts shooting stationary things he does not like to show how macho he is. Kenny shoots a tree and also a dog. Kenny shoots the dog right between the eyes. Kenny has a good shot at domesticated animals. So anyway Tub realizes that Kenny is being a complete moron and decides to shoot Kenny. They get lost finding the hospital so we can assume Kenny dies. Like the Dixie Chicks song “Goodbye Earl,” I think Kenny was a missing person that nobody really missed. What can we learn from this story? Use a GPS they are cheap! Paintball guns are a better idea for people that are not in the top 20 percentile of intelligence. Kenny mentions “…you’re so busy thinking about that little jailbait of yours you wouldn’t know a deer if you saw one.” That just tells you how repulsive these guys are. Birds of a feather flock together and you are guilty by association are the best things that are illustrated in this story. This tale is worth reading thoroughly. Tobias Wolff is a really intriguing writer, and this story will blow your mind. It is easier to follow than inception, but still really intriguing. If you are Japanese, be fair warned that this story is a bit racially off color (no pun intended.) Overall, it is not a complete waste of time.

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You’ll want to March right in to this home…

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You’ll want to March right in to this four bedroom home
    This home won’t let you down. It’s at least one good thing you’ll have and it’ll make you love to stick around this beautiful area. Located at 67 Freedom Drive in Drums, this four bedroom, two bathroom home is listed by Susan McGuire of Jerry McGuire Realtor for $194,900. This custom bi-level has granite counters, an Alaska coal stove, vaulted ceilings, and much much more.
    This home is at the forefront of Fox Acres living community. Your new home sweet home is easy to find from route 309! From Hazleton-Route 309 North to Drums-turn right on Freedom Road-proceed 4/10 mile-property on right (corner of Freedom Road and Pleasant View Lane in the Fox Acres Development). If you decide to venture out, Hazleton, Drums, and Wilkes-Barre along with shopping, entertainment and eating establishments are close enough to be convenient without being in your backyard.
    Speaking of backyards, this home is on a generously sized, nearly half acre lot with a new 12×14 shed for all your lawn tools and toys! The decks are tiered so whether you are in the dining room or the downstairs family  room in the partially finished basement you can sit back, relax and enjoy the view.
    Your private drive brings you to the three stall garage that has plenty of room left over for storage or the mechanic in your family. This corner lot is beautifully landscaped, and offers plenty of space for all of your needs. Once you take in the beauty of the exterior, going through the front door you won’t be disappointed by the 15.15×15.5 living room. An avenue of windows face the front yard and vaulted ceilings bring this room together as a cohesive part of the house.
    Adjacent to the living room is the dining room that features doors leading out to the top patio area (perfect for grilling, wining, and dining)! The 13×11.5 kitchen does not leave anything to be desired. Plenty of cabinet space, granite counters, and a center island for food and party preparations, what more could you possibly want?
    Down the hall is a closet that could be used as a pantry or linens. The full main bathroom has ceramic tiles complete with radiant heat to chase away the wintertime blues!
All four bedrooms are conveniently located on the first level and measure 12×11,12×11.5,15×12 and top out at the master bedrooms dimensions of 12×20. One of many lovely accouterments of this home is the walk-in closet in the master bedroom. It’s so large one could almost make yet another bedroom out of it! Along with a ceiling fan there are two windows that face the side yard and one that gives you a view of the backyard area. Another ¾ bathroom is located near the bedrooms for ease of use.
    Continuing to the downstairs area of this home you’ll be surprised to see a partially finished basement. The laundry area is on this level, along with a utility sink and has rough plumbing if you decide you want yet another bathroom. The spacious family/recreation room is perfect to house a family game night, poker night, and has plenty of room left over for a trophy case!
    As home heating oil costs rise, you can rest assured when you see the Alaska coal stove located in the family room. The Alaska Stove Company has been operating since 1977 right out of Bloomsburg and boasts that every component is made in the good old United States of America. Another deck/patio area is accessible from this area, as well as the 3+ stall garage.
    For more information on this stunning home, contact Susan McGuire of Jerry McGuire Realtor at 570-459-0779, drop by the 518 North Church Street office or peruse their listings on the web at jerrymcguirerealtor.com
((570) 459-0779

Darwinism and Cosmo

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Disclaimer labels insult our intelligence.

A bag of Planters Peanuts has ingredient as peanuts…along with a warning for people with nut allergies.

Do not operate machinery while under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Milk even has an ingredient of milk…oh and vitamins too.

My dollar store Magic Duster Swiffer thing tells me I should only use it for cleaning purposes. Don’t drink bleach. Refrigerate after opening

. Please recycle. Alcohol may cause health problems. Don’t stick your hand in to the cappucino machine. Your coffee beverage MAY be hot. Well, I paid for a hot coffee damnit and I wanted a bag of peanuts so this bag better contain them.

     I am staying at home while enjoying my alcoholic beverage so who needs to operate a car? Drinking bleach doesn’t sound like fun to me, recycling should be a choice and what could I possibly use my Swiffer for other than cleaning?

     Maybe I should get more creative like those people who write in to Cosmo. Is that really something to aspire to be? I like to think of my blog as a PG experience… so I won’t go in to graphic detail but let’s just say I’m afraid of heights and not as flexible as those girls.

     Well anyway, I think warning labels and laws defeat the purpose of Darwinism. Aside from the turtles from Galapagos or some nonsense like that, Darwin had a good principle for life and I look at it this way: stupid people do dumb things, hurt themselves and if they continue to do dumb things they die. I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing.

     Go ahead. Judge me. But I think it should be up to an individual’s discretion on how to go about running a lawnmower even if it ends with them putting their fingers in to the blades. I bet they won’t do it next time. I am not saying I am the smartest person, but I learned a lot from firsthand experience.

        Do not drink on an empty stomach. Driving while drowsy is a bad idea. Chances are if it smells wicked bad…don’t drink it. Do not move a lamp with a broken shade while you have furniture oil on your hands or you will end up with a second degree burn and a permanent scar.

     Yes. I have done that before. If your older brother wants to play “demolition derby” with his yellow metal Tonka truck and your magenta Barbie van… don’t let him. I still haven’t forgiven him for that.

     Did I learn everything I need to know and is it completely practical? Well… not exactly. If I told you everything I learned… well… your life would not be that exciting now would it? So what can we deduce from this whole array of words?

     To be honest not a whole hell of a lot but at least it took up some of your time. Maybe you learned to not read anymore of my columns, but hopefully yo\u enjoyed wasting some time reading this

Confessions of a College Student

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It’s tough being awesome sometimes. I only have a few decades on  me. I’m a semester away from my associate’s degree. I have a job in my career field. I have my car paid off and I have my own place. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal right?
    Well, let’s put it this way. I work a full time job to pay my bills. My part time job furthers my career but only covers my gas costs for the month.
    I go to community college because it’s all I can afford.
    My current car is my third and was gifted to me because I blew the engine in my Taurus I just shelled out $1200 to fix.
    My friends ask me for rides all the time and don’t have the money to compensate my gas whore.
    Having a bad day and need a place to crash? Yup, my couch is where it’s at!
    Need a place to drink without parents breathing down your neck. My place is the place to be!
    If anyone needs an English, philosophy, ethics, or argument paper written, I am so your chick.
    I should be a life coach. I would probably make way more money doing that then writing real estate feature stories.
    Overpriced two-story home renovated in the same year I was born is a “great buy.” Yeah that’s me too.
    My job is the perfect culmination of the truth and leaving out MINOR details such as how horrific the backyard area is but at least there are skylights in the master bedroom!
    My own apartment is nothing special. One bedroom, full bathroom, two-seater kitchen and large living room. Retro carpeting throughout and a bay of windows in the living room.
    Classic 1970’s style kitchen with plenty of cabinet space.
    My apartment made me start to pray more.
    “200 year old historic building has original wiring by Thomas Edison.”
    Any day my hairdryer or microwave does not burn down the building is a good day.
    Cable included along with water, sewer, garbage and electricity.
    A neighbor who likes to party until 4a.m and another who gets up at 5a.m and roams the hallway also included.
    Off-street parking is offered for those who are not a fan of parallel parking.
    Access to interstates 80 and 81 as well as routes 93 and 309 is a hop,skip, jump, or gas pedal away!
    The quaint area is family oriented and the post office and Whispering Willows park are the best neighbors anyone could ask for.
    The area is so small that you cannot go anywhere without seeing someone you know.
    Any “quick trip” to the neighboring shopping facilities soon turns in to a two-hour excursion catching up with everyone from your elementary school teacher to your high school friend’s mother’s uncle’s cat groomer.
    The living room has a lovely celestial tapestry hanging on the ceiling.
    In reality: the ceiling has water damage from 1989 and was never replaced.
    Puke green shag carpeting is featured in the 18×24 living room and yellow-orange is in the bedroom.
    There are two bleach spots in the spacious living room that are covered with $50 rugs from Bed Bath and Beyond.
    So after this little tirade I’ll get to the positive aspects.
    I like that my friends look to me to help them out. In fact, it’s nice to be needed! When I go through breakups or a bad day they are always here for me with a bottle of Moscato to lend a hand!
    Fact: I like writing, and (community) college gave me the opportunity to meet some really great people.
     On a Saturday, the post office is the best place to catch up on the gossip from the Desperate Housewives of the Valley.
    I have the gift of gab and I like chatting with people.
    Knowing that I will see someone I know no matter where I go gives me motivation to dress nicely.
    Being gifted a car lets me know my friends believe in me.
    My apartment is a throwback from the “good old days” and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
    I have another confession to make, I’m no fool.
    Do I want to live here forever and write about houses? … Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves. For now it works.

Miss Independent.

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Single ladies. Independent Women. Survivor. I will Survive. These are the songs of today… yesteryear gave us My Boyfriend’s Back and Mr.Postman. Well… the postal service is not used as much for letters as it is for Amazon internet purchases, and I’m pretty sure a protective boyfriend could make threats on Facebook, OoVoo, or Skype.

Ernest Hemingway and countless other authors had books published posthumously containing all the letters they wrote to friends, family, loved ones, and forbidden loves. The Museum at Bethel Woods even had a blues exhibit containing letters written home by Janis Joplin. The words on the paper were penned with meticulous, unruly behavior. The way the ink flowed through the sentence structure and talks of making it to her 27th birthday sent shivers down my entire body.

Facebook doesn’t let us see pure emotion. Yes, it’s unfiltered but it’s also unrefined. Will there be books simply titled “Statuses” or “tweets?” I know from personal experience that sarcasm does not convey well through plain text, and over usage of emoticons gets old after awhile. Then again, even in everyday speech there are misunderstandings.

My first semester as a journalism major, we were assigned a series of thought provoking statements, to which we were supposed to give an example of from our own lives.

Name a time when communication worked. That was easier said than done. Simple statements such as “no” and so on were easily communicated, but when it comes to matters of the heart… forget about it.

So have things really changed?

“Nevermind I’ll find someone like you…”

I don’t think so.

Things I can never be

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Ok. I usually try to be upbeat most of the time, but in this case I have to face the cold,hard, sad, GPA killing truth: I will never be a physicist. As a journalist, I get to peek in to the inner workings of what makes (wo)man tick, how people perform their jobs, and how differently or comparably their brains work.

In doing so, I have a list of careers/titles I know for a fact I cannot obtain… and … I’m ok with this:

1. Parent (I like being called Auntie Trish…my friends seem to be popping out kids left and right anyway. Up and down not so much so from those angles you’re ok)

2. Mathmetician right brain left brain mumbo jumbo

3.Physicist (see above definition) I know that these things work, but do I really need to know WHY? I think not.

4.physician/heathcare – I have no patients/patience

5. Anything not relating to writing – See explanations for 2 and 3

6. Anything to do with numbers (self explanitory) My mom is a medical coder (how did this skip me?)

7. Circus life (Clowns frighten me… Pennywise and Gacy don’t though… at least you could tell just from looking at them that they were bad. Other clowns are hiding something…it could just be psoriasis but it’s still frightening)

8. Anything to do with heights ( I am afraid of heights more than clowns. I have an inane fear of stepladders… my dad is a painter. I love rollercoasters. Go figure.)

9. Farm work– I’m allergic to grass

10. Ice cream tester — I’m lactose intolerant

11. Perfume scent tester — See item 9

12. Stunt woman– see item 8

13. Gymnast– see items 8 and/or 9 Plus I have a bionic spine

14. Pilot– See item 8

Conclusion: I’ll stick to being a journalist